NIPPLES LIKE BULLETS / REALITY ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE

A young lady tells me I "may be the last good man left" as a I plunge a machete into the chest of a man right in front of her. A thug begs me not to kill him because he's "at university". People are eating 'mystery meat' and choking to death in a perpetual fog-like dust cloud. Skyscrapers and tenement blocks lean drunkenly against each other as a fresh tremor shakes the already-ruined city. The apocalypse has happened, but nobody knows what it actually was...or refuses to acknowledge what caused it.

These could be the milieux of any armageddon-centric story, but they belong to a recent computer game called I AM ALIVE. You've spent almost a year walking across America to reach your home, only to find your wife and daughter have disappeared. Are they dead? Have they relocated somewhere safer? The answers might be hidden in the city's ruins, or delivered by survivors encountered along the way. It is a familiar story, but what makes it more compelling is that it's all delivered with a cinematic flair many games don't or can't create. These people are pixels on a screen, but you care what happens to them. You want to look after the little girl you find crying amongst the rubble.You want to find her mother. You want to use precious resources on a stranger, but not necessarily because this is the right thing to do. In this world, you kill anyone who tries to harm you; there is no bargaining, or trading for supplies. It's a bullet between the eyes or a machete through the ribs. There is a lot of blood on your hands, and you need to reassert your moral compass whenever possible.

So, it's a good game, despite a few technical flaws such as repetitive voice acting and general game logic conveniences. But it has an emotional impact more often attributed to films than computer games, and that sort of thing is becoming more and more prevalent as the two mediums mix and merge and swap ideas.

Case in point: another recent computer game, ALAN WAKE'S AMERICAN NIGHTMARE, utilises not just actual live-action scenes, but story elements right out of a David Lynch film. Although, as the story progresses it has more and more in common with the John Carpenter film, In The Mouth of Madness, as reality itself is rewritten and a diabolical enemy seeks to bring nameless horrors into the world.

What American Nightmare lacks in overall originality it makes up for in delivery - game-wise, the controls are solid, the difficulty 'just right' and the graphics suitably decent. But more than these things, it's the way the mythology surrounding Alan Wake (a writer trapped in a place of his own creation) is woven into proceedings. Radio broadcasts reference events in the real world, TV sets show little (live action) missives from Wake's evil doppelgänger/excellent villain Mr. Scratch (whose name is replaced with an actual 'scratch' noise whenever it's said/spoken) and manuscript pages detail events that are yet to happen. One particularly effective radio broadcast has the DJ involved in a debate with a caller as to the nature of free will, but as the DJ talks, his voice is replaced by the narrator of the TV show Alan Wake is (sort of) trapped in. Once the DJ/narrator has finished his spiel, the caller humorously replies "Um...what?"

It's a computer game masquerading as a piece of b-movie horror, but like the best b-movies, it has a subtle undercurrent of intelligence that adds that little extra spark to proceedings. Will more games follow in these footsteps? I Am Alive is one, and there have been others in the past, but can story ever take precedence over spectacle? Most games strive, or are content, to be a summer blockbuster, as that's what the general public wants. But not every body wants to shoot zombies forever, or watch things explode. That sort of thing is nice in small bursts, but there's a reason Michael Bay isn't the king of cinema, and his gaming equivalent (I don't know who that could be) isn't the, er, king of games. And on a final note, we want games to be increasingly more realistic, but does this really necessitate giving a female character prominent nipples? American Nightmare, I'm looking at you!

Yes, I noticed them, but I didn't design the woman with perky nipples. So I ask you: who's the real pervert?

REV. AUSTIN'S SUPER MEGA FUN TIME ADVENTURE FUN TIME ADVENTURE!!!!!!!!!

Hello!

It's been a while. "What have you been up to?" you ask. 'You' being my mum. "Well, mum," I say, "quite a lot. But mostly THIS:" I then scream into her--that is your--face the following facts:

As part of the arts education collective I've co-founded called Tinpot [here we are on Facebook!] I helped organise and put on the latest Scunthorpe Young People's Film Festival [here that is on Facebook!] which took place this Saturday just gone [Saturday 3rd March] in Scunthorpe, at a youth centre called The Base, which is in the centre of town. Following sentences will be much shorter and feature less commas.

Tinpot ran film-making workshops at a junior school, college and youth centre leading up the festival, as well as provided set dressing and general organisation for the event itself. The SYPFF ran from 1pm until 10pm and featured several talks from professionals involved in the film industry (Paul Drury and Dave Smith). Paul spoke about sponsorship, and Dave showed his latest short film (In the Meadow) and then spoke a bit about his career, before holding a short Q&A session. I, along with fellow Tinpotter and best mate Local Pillock, dressed up the nines and felt pretty super duper about things, despite being at the venue all day on the Friday, then from 11am on the Saturday to decorate and organise whatever we could. 

The event was broken down into three main sections, in which films were screened in the categories: Animation, Documentary and Fiction. Prizes were awarded to children and young people in the following age groups: 8-11, 12-16, 17-25. For the most part, things went without a hitch--though I don't mind telling you, Dear Reader, that I would have preferred to have handled the technical side of things (which I had nothing to do with at all, in this instance). As it happened, I did a bit of schmoozing and watched over the Tinpot Tuck Shop in the venue's café area. 

The SYPFF officially kicked off on the Friday night with the latest Tinpot Film Club. We've been doing this for nearly six months now, and we're finally starting to get people we don't recognise turning up to the screenings. We hold it at the same venue (The Base) because there is a 200 seat auditorium and large cinema screen there (it used to be knowna s the Scunthorpe Screen, an independent cinema). So far, we've shown The Lost Boys, This is Spinal Tap, Elf, Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events and Submarine, with the next film due to be The Breakfast Club. Our initial remit was to try and target the youth of Scunthorpe (on behalf of the SYPFF) but, in talking to them and in practice, we've discovered they're simply not bothered about what we're doing. Which is a shame, but we can't force kids to come (plus they make the entirely valid point they can watch whatever they want for free via Sky/the internet). Although, the real point is you're watching something on the big screen, and taking part in the associated experience. But anyway. You can find out more about Tinpot Film Club on Facebook!

On a more personal note, I haven't had the internet since the end of January. This allowed me to GET THINGS DONE instead of being sucked into the hell that is 'check Facebook, refresh the page, check again'. The main thing I did is start work on a novel I last touched about a year or so ago, tentatively entitled BRICKSVILLE. It features zombies, and an apocalypse, but isn't really about a zombie apocalypse. It's more of a love letter to 1980s horror films, and as such features one-liners, two protagonists wearing robots heads, and MUTANTS. I'm at 50,000 words, and about to start the second part of the book. I might post excerpts from it thus far, but then again I might not. WHO KNOWS?

And now I must away, to go to my parents' for tea on my NEW BIKE! Yes, I have joined the ranks of 'writers what also cycle' alongside such glamorous luminaries as Geoff Nelder and...I don't know who else. It's a girls' bike that was left by an artist at the art gallery I work at. My dad fixed it up for me, and I sprayed it BLACK, though I left the handlebars the original purple colour. The seat hurts my bum and my legs ache like the Dickens when I ride it, but it's a damn sight cheaper than the bus. And that's the moral of this story, at least. 

LATERZ.

THE ROBERT HARKESS BLOG INVASION

So there I was, busily writing up a devastatingly witty post, when all-of-a-sudden there came the distinctive crash of my mother's porcelain cockerspaniel collection being kicked off the windowsill. I looked up in astonishment to see a weirdly familiar face. The following events ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
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REV. WAYNE AUSTIN GOODCHILD: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

BLOG INVADER: Quiet, fool, or they’ll know I’m here. They’re everywhere, you know. Following me.

RWAG: Wait a minute, you're that writer - Bobby Harness! Who's following you, Bobby? Is it rampant fans?

BI: Curses, my carefully crafted cover is kaput! That's Harkess, to you, sunshine. R B Harkess, the soon to be world famous writer. Take care, or I shall loose my horde of loyal followers upon thee. Well, loyal until 7pm, anyway.

RWAG: Is that so? I have my own loyal followers, but they're on shift rotation so I don't get to see them very often. And I suppose you've really invaded my blog so you can plug something. That's all you lot ever want to do. No, "How's your mum doing, Wayne?" or "I like what you've done with the place". So come on, let's have it: what are you selling?

ROBERT HARKESS: Impudent knave. I know your mother intimately, and apart from a touch of rust around the chin she is in perfectly good condition. She says you never call her any more.

But perhaps I should shine a light of wonder into this dark and gloomy place, for behold! I bring you wonders in the form of this stunning new novel for our younger readers. Those that the marketing fraternity have decided will be called 'young adults'.

RWAG: Argh! That information is too bright! And even though I’m mentally and physically beyond the target audience, I suppose it’d be rude not to let you continue your disgusting pimpage. In other words, WHAT IS IT?

RH: It is a science fiction adventure of strange places and stranger people, and of the tribulations of a small group who have to work their way through these aliens realms to save several hundred thousands from a catastrophe. A no-doubt welcome break for those weary of a steady diet of sparkling paranormal romance. All in a handy digital file for display on any number of those fascinating e-reader gadgets.

RWAG: Much against my better judgement, I feel myself inclined to ask for further information on this 'science fiction adventure'. Does it have robots in it? Sexy astronauts? Sexy robot astronauts? And is this your first full-length? Aren't you more at home writing horror? In fact, aren't you more at home in your own bloody blog?

RH: Questions do not offend me. They show you acknowledge your own ignorance and so I shall enlighten you.

Robots, no. Smart-alec computers and a hero who can talk to machines - oh yes, and in abundance.

Given the intended audience, not so much of the sexy. However, we do have a number of runaway, mayhem creating devices and a tunnel full of dried out corpses (see, I can still do the horror).

And yes, this is my first venture into the novel. I do love to write short fiction, and relish the snappy literary syllabub. But sometimes an idea simply demands to be given more room to breathe.

Still, I can tell when I have outstayed my welcome. Those with discerning taste or a longer attention span can find out more at http://www.aphroditesdawn.com/, or on my personal page at http://www.rbharkess.com/.

I'll just get my cloak...

RWAG: Not so fast, Harkess! I have final question for you, and the least you can do is answer it after the mess you've made of my carpet. If Aphrodite's Dawn was a sci-fi sound effect, what sound effect would it be?

RH: Did somebody leave the key in the drugs cabinet again? Sound effect? Hmmmmmmm.

Stargate (SG-1, of course); activating a gate using a DHD

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And then, like the Cadbury's Milk Tray Man, he was gone. The only sign of his ever been there a broken window, rope, and box of half-eaten chocolates. I've called Crimestoppers, but until they get a solid lead on his whereabouts, you can help keep an eye on his nefarious activities at the aforementioned websites. If you're too lazy to move your eyes up a few lines, here they are again: http://www.aphroditesdawn.com/ and http://www.rbharkess.com/. And if you're a writer who's got funny ideas about invading my blog, you'd better bloody well ask first.